she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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