Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We have started to decorate penises.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Randomize
