I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
