yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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