you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
