so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
