you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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