Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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