My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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