My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
