I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
love makes seman taste better
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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