you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize