Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
