i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize