I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
