Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
