I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize