i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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