i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my shit smells like andre
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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