i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
