Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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