I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
