based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
