yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
