The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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