sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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