You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
