I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm having to shit out rocks
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