We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize