I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
