I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize