I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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