Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
