i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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