i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How naked do you want me to be?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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