wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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