when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
