this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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