You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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