the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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