The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
