kristin has been a bad kristin
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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