All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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