also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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