I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
