I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
be right there i have to get my cape
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
