I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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