I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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