dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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