sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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