im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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