Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
