guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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