you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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