I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I died a long time ago.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
