Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
