ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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