Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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