Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I smell like Dick and happiness
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
