I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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