how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
