I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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